A Season to Hope

If someone were to attempt to tell me how challenging, hopeful, disappointing and utterly joyful this whole journey towards parenthood would be I don't think I could have believed them. I didn't know.

I had no idea you could hold so many conflicting emotions in your heart at once.

That the first positive pregnancy test would send you into a fit of pure, body-shaking laughter as tears form rivers down your face.

I had no idea that this would be the beginning of immense joy and immense fear constantly playing symphonies on your heart strings. 

And to know that this would only be the beginning of a lifetime filled with love and worry and fear over your children that doesn't end with the first ultra sound, or after their 18th birthday...

I had written in a previous post that Ken and I had a miscarriage last year. It was absolutely gut-wrenching and completely blindsided us. These are the times you learn. You learn a lot about grief and about the grace that carries you through those hours when you are desperately trying to move on. The days you try to keep busy, sorting junk mail on the floor, any distraction to keep your heart from breaking into a million pieces. But inevitably, you find yourself shuffling soppy flyers into the waste bin and letting your heart feel the sorrow.

No one tells you how difficult infertility or miscarriage can be. Somehow, when these things happen the support system comes out of the woodwork and you realize how common this is. You join this club of woman (and men) who have experienced the same heartbreak with every negative pregnancy test and every doctor’s visit where they walk away with their hope completely shattered.

Amidst all this heartache, you realize how truly amazing pregnancy is…

So, when I took that pregnancy test in May and those two bright blue lines stared back at me – you can imagine the mixed emotions of it all.

We had said we were “cautiously optimistic” throughout the first few weeks, not allowing our hearts to get anywhere near the same excitement as we had before. But despite my best efforts, I cannot help but hope.

I hope for a safe pregnancy and a healthy baby. I hope that we will be able to love this child with everything we have and teach them how to be strong, empathetic and independent people who will use their gifts to better this world.

My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is my strength and my portion forever.

-Psalm 73:26-

A Season for Love & Such...

“We come to love not by finding a perfect person, but by learning to see an imperfect person perfectly.”

-Sam Keen

Marriage. It can be the most beautiful example of love, selflessness and respect one could encounter in their lifetime. However, it also reflects our deepest insecurities and the ugliest flaws in our character.

This past week, Ken and I celebrated our seventh year of marriage, although we have been together now for more than twelve. When I think back to myself as the naïve 18 year old girl accepting a ride home from the boy down the street with a car, did I have any understanding of how important Ken would become to me? Did I realize how our lives would intertwine in ways I couldn’t imagine? That we would become jealous for one another, love each other deeper and hurt each other greater than we could have known?

Of course not.

No one tells you (unless you’re that uncle who leans in during the receiving line at your wedding foreshadowing that the gold ring on your finger will only get heavier…)

And guess what? It is heavier. It is heavier because of the weight of experiences we've shared, struggles we have overcome and the relentless love that always brings us back.

Our marriage is beautiful, anything but perfect, and I wouldn’t have it any other way.

We have shared more life experiences than many face in their entire lives. As a result, we have been forced to grow quicker and that inevitably, causes some growing pains. The delicate act of failing and forgiving and embracing is never an easy task. It hurts and it’s messy and it’s painful. But I’m failing and forgiving and embracing alongside my best friend who’s doing the exact same. It’s a lovely dance that will continue. We pick eachother up, encourage one another and love through the process. This, I believe, is the truest expression of love between us. 

Before we were engaged I had questions, our personalities are quite opposite and it concerned me that it may cause more of a rift than an appreciation. We process things differently, we ‘recharge’ differently, and we have different ideas and thoughts on issues. I realize it is completely cliché to say, but life would be boring with someone exactly like you. I may not understand all the scientific jargon Ken uses, but the joy I get when I see his face light up when an experiment goes right is pretty fantastic. It’s the reflection I see at times when Ken talks about my passions. He may not fully understand, but seeing one another thriving fuels our relationship and celebrates our differences.

Marriage is work, but nothing worth having comes easy right? This work is the rewarding kind. The frustratingly slow kind. The inside joke kind. The “I’ve got your back” kind. The make-up kind (even if it takes a while).
The F O R E V E R kind….

A Season of Paralysis of Analysis

Paralysis by analysis. This is a phrase that typically describes my husband, but when it comes to my blog I have succumbed to the same fate.

I have reverted to the fear of pressing ‘post’ to any of my half written entries.

Why? Well, (upon analysis) there has been a lot going on in the last few months since I've last posted. There was a fire in our house in Canada – accidentally set by our tenants, my parents came to visit or three weeks, mother’s day came and went which proved to be much harder than I expected given our miscarriage last year… I suppose I have just felt that either it’s not ‘positive enough’ or I’m too busy. But I am calling myself out on both of these falsehoods. Firstly, I stated in my first post that my intent is to share the good and the bad, given I may need some time to process the difficult. The fear of not having seen the silver lining yet is frustrating to me. I want to write from the ‘other side’ but the reality is that sometimes it’s the process that provides the means to the ‘other side’. Secondly, I have the time. My head simply gets in the way.

"I want to write from the‘other side' but the reality is that sometimes it’s the process that provides the means to the ‘other side’"

These past few months have had some significant highs and lows. I have had the intention of centering myself and taking this season of forced unemployment to truly explore and discover my passions. Ask myself where my gifts lie and how can I use them to fulfill my purpose here on earth. But here I am amidst a whirlwind of glorious distractions and challenging circumstances grappling to process things as quickly as I can. It’s mentally exhausting.

The appeal of an EASY LIFE seems to be tugging at my heart lately and I find myself longing for these trials to be over. But this is life, my beautifully messy, wonderfully blessed life.

I am here now, I am present now and I am doing my best to see the beauty in the moments.

So, I promise to stop analyzing my thoughts to death and simply share life because despite the fear, the chaos and the distractions, I am constantly reminded that life is good. It is very, very good.

A Season to Thrive!

I admit it, I have believed one of the biggest lies one can encounter in their lifetime - the lie that you have to have you 'stuff' together.

Here I was thinking that by the time I'm 30, surely I will have figured out my life plan. 

I will have settled into a career, have the house, the family and the minivan. 

But life had a different plan for us and the danger of comparison has been alive and well in my heart.

As my 30^th birthday approached (February 26 - don't feel bad if you didn't send a card) I had this thought of myself as the little yodeler on the Price is Right. I am reaching the edge of the cliff trying desperately to check the boxes of things I need to do before I slip and fall to my impending doom….

Ok, maybe that’s a little dramatic, a slight exaggeration, and a lack of appreciation for the youth that 30 truly is.

The thing is, there was a sense of simmering urgency, and I don't think I'm alone. It seems that many people have this vision, this countdown of things they need to accomplish before they hit a milestone. 

So, imagine my surprise when it turns out life can be good, can be challenging, can be derailed and ultimately better than you expected when you release your expectations. This festering anxiety of needing to complete certain tasks, or be someplace in life is absolutely false. The key word is simply just to be and be present and open wherever you are.

My life is nowhere close to where I thought it would be, I’ve been blessed beyond measure and have been afforded amazing opportunities. I’ve learned that by confining my life to checklists I am limiting God. Regardless of where my path was directed I am learning to cherish the moments, the relationships and opportunities and not glorify the checklist.

Sidenote: Ok, I have another confession. I love the movie 13 Going On 30 and the quote "Thirty, flirty and thriving" has not only caused me to giggle like I myself am 13 again, but to realize what a fantastic season of life I am in! (I also fully expect some of you to send me a private message to discuss the true love that is Jenna and Matty).

Now, I don't think I could talk about my 30th without discussing a little bit about the celebrations.

Ken (he is truly the best man I know), not only planned a trip to Italy to celebrate, and not only surprised me with our friends showing up for the weekend in Rome, but he also collected video messages from friends and family wishing me a Happy Birthday. Ken knew my heart was really struggling with being away from home and friends and brought them to me... I cannot even begin to describe how wonderful a time this was.

Here are a few photos from our amazing trip #turning30initaly

A Season to Be Still...

January typically brings about a time of reflection. A chance to turn a page and decidedly not look back on the previous 12 months, or an opportunity to reflect on the good and the bad with a heart of gratefulness.

Looking back on my year brings about many mixed emotions. 2014 held heartbreak, grief, gratefulness, change, loss, challenges and joy. To say that it was an emotional roller coaster would be an utter understatement (and I am NOT a fan of roller coasters to begin with)!

This past year Ken finished his PhD, we suffered a miscarriage, we left our home, my career and dear friends in Florida and moved to an entirely new country in Europe, not knowing the language or the culture. If you can read between the lines, there was enough in one year to span several and I would still consider it to be overwhelming.

Yet, through all of the craziness there was a quieting of my heart encouraging me to be still. Be still and know that I am God (Psalm 46:10). Just be still. Don’t try and ‘fix’ things, don’t fill the silence with nonsense, do not be anxious. It's okay to feel and just be still.

This year has brought me through trials that have tested my faith, my health, my marriage, my confidence and my patience. And behind every trial was a calmness and a quietness to wait. Be patient. Be still.

It’s in my nature to immediately jump up and try and fix everything, plan everything, do something, anything to find a solution. But this year I found myself, despite the whirling circumstances around us to just be still.

And even when things were going well, enjoying time with our friends and family I was also encouraged to be still. Be still and cherish these moments. Be still, don’t rush this time, be present where I am right now.

I didn't seek out a resolution to pursue peace and yet through this year of incredible sorrow and joy, uncertainty, change and adventure, a life full of new distractions I am reminded to continually be still.