A Season to Hope

If someone were to attempt to tell me how challenging, hopeful, disappointing and utterly joyful this whole journey towards parenthood would be I don't think I could have believed them. I didn't know.

I had no idea you could hold so many conflicting emotions in your heart at once.

That the first positive pregnancy test would send you into a fit of pure, body-shaking laughter as tears form rivers down your face.

I had no idea that this would be the beginning of immense joy and immense fear constantly playing symphonies on your heart strings. 

And to know that this would only be the beginning of a lifetime filled with love and worry and fear over your children that doesn't end with the first ultra sound, or after their 18th birthday...

I had written in a previous post that Ken and I had a miscarriage last year. It was absolutely gut-wrenching and completely blindsided us. These are the times you learn. You learn a lot about grief and about the grace that carries you through those hours when you are desperately trying to move on. The days you try to keep busy, sorting junk mail on the floor, any distraction to keep your heart from breaking into a million pieces. But inevitably, you find yourself shuffling soppy flyers into the waste bin and letting your heart feel the sorrow.

No one tells you how difficult infertility or miscarriage can be. Somehow, when these things happen the support system comes out of the woodwork and you realize how common this is. You join this club of woman (and men) who have experienced the same heartbreak with every negative pregnancy test and every doctor’s visit where they walk away with their hope completely shattered.

Amidst all this heartache, you realize how truly amazing pregnancy is…

So, when I took that pregnancy test in May and those two bright blue lines stared back at me – you can imagine the mixed emotions of it all.

We had said we were “cautiously optimistic” throughout the first few weeks, not allowing our hearts to get anywhere near the same excitement as we had before. But despite my best efforts, I cannot help but hope.

I hope for a safe pregnancy and a healthy baby. I hope that we will be able to love this child with everything we have and teach them how to be strong, empathetic and independent people who will use their gifts to better this world.

My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is my strength and my portion forever.

-Psalm 73:26-